Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
