I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
