i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
