i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
