my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
