I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize