i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
