she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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