i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
