WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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