I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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