Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
