I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
