I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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