Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
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