I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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