Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize