You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
