I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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