I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Send help, water and tortillas.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
