when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
