i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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