Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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