If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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