hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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