Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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