his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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