i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
