bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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