I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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