She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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