my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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