So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
