I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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