Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
