She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
