Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
