Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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