new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
