Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
