i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
