Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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