i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
