that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
