and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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