my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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