hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
