i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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