I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Barsexuality is the new black.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Randomize
