Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
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