alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
