Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
