Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
