dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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