no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
