Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
