i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷ðŸ»â€â™€ï¸
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