I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
