He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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