There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
